Freakin' Cal
by takeoffyourmask
Summary: Cal Chapman invited Alex an Piper for a Sunday hangout. Hilarity ensues


"Alex, will you come here for a sec" Piper motioned a hand to her girlfriend. She's on their luxurious apartment's patio, enjoying her peppermint tea. It was a cloudy Thursday morning when she received a text from her brother Cal, inviting the couple for a Sunday brunch. She thought it was odd because one, Cal Chapman hated human interaction, two, he lives literally in the middle of nowhere and three, Cal doesn't host gatherings! He hated those. And the fact that his message was longer than 10 words' kinda … suspicious. _Cal don't text._

"What is it, babe?" Alex, suddenly behind her, nuzzled her face on the blonde's neck.

"Ugh, this" Piper held her phone up.

**_From: Cal_**

**_Hey sis! How's city life? By the way, Sunday brunch at my place. It's mandatory, you need to come. Bring Alex. Alright see yah! And yes, MANDATORY. _**

"Cool. I'm looking forward to meeting Cal. I mean after your never ending hippie stories about him."

"Cal is _weird_, really"

"Chapmans are weird"

"The thing is…"

"What?"

"Cal lives on a freaking trailer in the middle of nowhere. Like that kind of weird"

"That's an interesting kind of weird though. Don't spoil it, kid. I'm excited."

Seconds later, Piper's phone beeped again.

_**From: Cal**_

**_And please bring some doritos and pizza and beer and some sour patch, I kinda miss those. Love you, see yah!_**

Piper groaned. Alex just laughed at her girl's reaction.

* * *

"Well when you mentioned he lives in the middle of nowhere, I never expected it to be like in the middle of the freaking woods with giant trees and all" They were in the car for three hours now. Alex thought they were just driving in circles. "I swear I saw that damn tree for like four times already"

Piper laughed at her frustrated girlfriend. She couldn't help it. Usually, she was bossy and all powerful and seeing her like this is_ newish_ to her. She dialed her brother's number again. And this time, thankfully, Cal picked up.

"Hey Sis!"

"Holy Shit Cal-"

"Language!"

"Seriously?"

"Impulse. kinda used to mom yelling me that."

"Whatever. Cal, where the hell is your trailer? We're here on the campsite you've mentioned!"

"Oh you're almost here"

"So is _almost here_ involves driving for three hours in circles?"

"You sound like mom. Don't be naggy. You know wrinkles won't be good if you're selling lotions and face stuff. Defeats the purpose."

"Don't push it"

"Just saying"

"Where the hell are we going? Cal, please?"

"Ah alright, you have a compass with you?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Oh. _Oh_. Okay, see, there's a branchless tree beside the old lodge there, the one with the red roof, do you see it?"

"Wait hold up, I'll put you on speaker"

Alex restarts the engine as Cal speaks.

"Okay direction, the lodge, from there take the dirt road a little to the north, like fifteen degree-ish and twenty six minutes northeast, drive for like five minutes and then you shall see a smoke, like coming from the trailer, I'm cooking something. Follow that and that's it!"

"What precise direction that was"

"Course sis. It sounds fancy when you know the technical stuff like that."

"You aren't cooking meth, are you?" Piper joked and Cal laughed comically.

"Wow Pipes, but now that you've mention it, I do miss cooking the colored candies"

The line was dead before Piper can respond.

"He sounds really hippie, Pipes."

"Oh Lord. You know how Lorna got her entire life perspective based on The Westside Story?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"Well, Cal got this Breaking Bad outlook, hence, the trailer in the middle of nowhere."

They arrive shortly after another fifteen minute of four wheel nature exploration. Cal's trailer was located on a rather open area in the middle of the woodland. It was nothing like the RV lab on Breaking Bad. It was fairly sized for a dwelling place and it doesn't look close-fitting at all. The smoke coming from the top of the trailer, which smells like chicken, was clouding most of the vehicle's window. Alex thought of the TV show outlook thing going on, she can't help herself but laugh again.

"Cal! We're here!"

"Cal!"

Still no answer, they walked on the other side of the trailer and Cal jumped out of the door.

"_Pinkman, you're late!"_ He screamed.

He was wearing a Green button down tucked in a huge tight white briefs. And no pants. He just greeted the women …. On his underpants.

Alex and Piper stared in awe for a full minute, trying to comprehend the train wreck that is Cal Chapman.

_"Holy shit!"_

_"Holy shit!"_

"Why are you dressed like Walter fucking White?" "Holy heavens, Alex you're a she?! I'm wearing no pants! " Alex and Cal shouted concurrently.

It was Piper's time to laugh loudly.

"I will not dress like Walter fucking White if I knew you were a woman, Oh Lord!"

Alex laughed so hard that she's clutching her stomach. The hippie beard added the Meth manufacturer effect which made her snigger even harder.

"I knew it! Cal got tons of the characters' costumes. Drove mom nuts. Sorry Al, I should've warn you."

"Are you kidding? This is the second most hysterical thing on the planet!"

"What?"

"Well, nothing beats your stomach virus in Java!"

* * *

"So… Can we do this again? I'm Cal Chapman, sorry for _the brief introduction_ earlier"

"Good Pun. I'm Alex and yes I'm a woman."

They were all outside, circling an unlit campfire. They were sitting on wooden benches Cal personally handcrafted. They were enjoying the food Cal prepared as the hippie devoured the pizza they brought.

"I'm sorry about that" Cal said in between his mouthful of bites.

"All good, kid"

"No, I mean I never expected my sis here to get herself a hot girlfriend."

"Piper isn't bad herself" Alex replied, laughing from the inability of the Chapmans to filter their thoughts before speaking.

"Basically, sis is fine but you're the hot one."

"The hot one?" Piper exclaimed.

Alex was clearly amused. "You know, people call us "The Hot One and the Blonde" when we're together. It's compelling, really"

Piper elbowed her girlfriend and the three of them burst into laughter. They exchanged a few more chatters about their how mundane life was. Cal found it interesting that Alex is a dealer. "Art dealer!" Piper would repeat for the tenth time. He told them about the time he was almost arrested because he made some candy that looked like the blue meth on Breaking Bad and had it distributed on the campsite near his trailer. Alex agreed it was extremely hilarious. Piper just shook her head in hysteria.

"And remind me again why this brunch is mandatory?" Piper asked as she sipped on her dandelion tea that Cal claimed he invented. _Apparently, living in the jungle will make you brew flowers and walk in underpants_

"Uhm, right, I almost forgot. I'm texting Neri"

"Who?"

"My girlfriend. She's an underwater welder"

"Wait... Cal... You got yourself a girlfriend?!"

"Wow ouch sis, I'm hurt"

"No... No... I mean how, you're like in fucking Narnia here"

"Right"

"Seriously, how?"

"Yeah. She was an administrator on that campsite before she was a welder. So I met her and we hang out here because it's freezing cold in there and I have this little campfire pit. She liked my dandelion tea and I discovered she had the biggest crush on Jesse Pinkman so I went to camp when she's facilitating some campers and did the blue meth candy thing. And I was wearing baggy clothes yelling "yo" and "bitch". We're dating for four months now."

Alex couldn't believe what she just heard. She thought Nicky was the most peculiar human being she'd met. But hell, Sexual Steve Jobs got nothing on the dandelion brewer/meth candy dealer.

Piper on the other hand was equally dumbfounded and exultant for her brother. All his life, he's been the under achiever Cal. Now, he's found his happy place and he's actually enjoying his time with someone who can tolerate his bizarre means of living. _But dealing meth candies, come on._

Cal's phone beeped. He read the message and suddenly roared "Holy shit guys, I'm engaged!"

"What?!".

"Neri said yes!" Cal tossed his phone to Alex.

**_To: Neri_**

**_Hey babe, wanna marry me?_**

**_From: Neri_**

**_Ugh sure? Okay. Yes_**

"I'm gonna get marriedddddddddddd !" Cal screamed. Piper swore she heard a group of fowls scatter away from his brother's cry.

* * *

It's been an unusual day for Alex and Piper but it's a good kind of unusual. They both needed a breather form their busy life in the city. Piper from PoPi and Alex from the International art pieces deals.

Neri came at 3pm on the dot from her shift. Cal made them throw away the pizza box before she arrived. Apparently, the fiancée was into all this organic and clean living stuff. _That's why Cal made them bring all the junk food so he could experience it one last time_. Alex secretly thanked all the gods that Piper's not as hardcore as Neri on the healthy living thing.

Alex and Cal were sitting on the bench as Neri and Piper head back to the trailer to bake some organic blueberry pie. They each have a bottle of beer on their hands. Neri agreed to let Cal drink, _ . _, she insisted.

"Hey thanks for being here with Pipes."

"Pleasure."

"You know, I've never seen Piper like this. Like she literally got cartoon heart eyes, it's kinda freaky."

Alex smiled. Despite Cal's way of putting silly words, she really liked the man. Piper's mom despised her at all. Even after three years of her and Piper living together and proving that she's financially well even for the high end Carol Chapman's standards, she's still unfriendly to her. Civil but definitely cold, so Cal's warmness made her really delighted.

"Yeah, my friend Nicky swore we could be the annoying couple on any overrated film about awkward high school years."

"Wow, your friend's spot on with that. Thanks for the pizza and stuff by the way"

"Sure"

"How about as a payment, since we're talking about awkward high school years, I tell you The Most Embarrassing Piper Chapman High school Story?"

Alex grinned from ear to ear. "I'll be your secret pizza dealer for eternity for that."

* * *

An hour later, the pie was baked. They brought it outside and hand both Cal and Alex a slice.

There she noticed her girlfriend, glasses already clouding as she suppresses the tears on her eyes from laughing out loud. She eyed Cal who can't even look at her directly.

"What's going on?" She asked Alex and the brunette burst out laughing.

"Did you put some_ herbs_ in here?" Cal asked Neri as she shove the pie on his mouth.

"Oh my God! Calvin! You tell Alex the Jake thing, didn't you?!"

"Sorry Pipes. It's iconic can't help it."

"Babe, I'm sorry but the Java Virus has been dethroned" Alex mumbled, words almost slurring due to extensive laughter.

"Okay, I'm lost" Neri said.

"Shall I retell the story?" Cal asked.

Piper wasn't thrilled. She was burning on the pit of embarrassment when Alex grabbed her wrist. She made her sit on her lap. The taller woman's pale arms hugged her near. "Pipes, I love you but please let me hear the story again." She kissed Piper's neck.

Piper sighed, feeling defeated.

"Okay so, you know our parents kinda let me be the ultimate slacker during high school right?" Cal started. Piper faced Alex and buried her head on her shoulder, trying to escape the inevitable humiliation from the story.

He continued, "So my pals and I smoke weed like 24/7 and Piper being little miss curious asked one of my friend Jake to let her try some."

Alex is already suppressing her laugh.

"But Jake is like the ultimate prankster so she rolled some for Pipes when we're like at a house party and my dear sister here, smoked it in front of everyone because that's how the cool kids do it. Like after a minute or so, she was high as a jet and acted reallllly reallllly stoned like damn."

"So?" Neri asked.

"There was never any weed. Jaked used Oregano." Cal finished with the straightest face ever.

Neri and Alex's laugh boomed through the entirety of the forest.

* * *

"Come be my little spoon" Alex said. They were both tired from their trip from nowhere and in dire need of sleep. Piper obliged and snuggled on her girlfriend.

"Seriously Pipes, oreg-"

"Sssh"

"Oregano. Holy fuck. I should build a monument for that Jake"

"Alex, stop it already. You mentioned it at least three hundred times since we left Cal's."

"You're so fucking adorable with that actually. Mortifying but adorable"

Piper smiled as she moved closer to Alex. Despite the humiliation, she's glad the oregano story along with Cal's shits made her girlfriend ecstatic for an entire day. She's always been so fucking stressed with the art deals and at this point she'll happily do the oregano thing again just to see her lay her mind away from work.

"I am always adorable"

Alex kissed her. Slow and sweet. "That you are, babe"

Five seconds passed and the brunette busted out laughing again.

"What?"

"Genetics. Fucking Chapmans!"

"What?"

"You and Cal"

"Me and Cal?"

"Oregano for weed, Candy for meth. What an awful title for a TV series" Alex was snickering again. No, she's almost snorting for air.

Piper let out the longest sigh. "_Freakin' Cal."_


End file.
